Two students died two weeks ago from alcohol poisoning at fraternity parties at LSU and MIT.
Lots of people are concerned with drinking at fraternity parties; three students from the Alpha Beta Zeta fraternity were admitted to the hospital Sunday morning, all for alcohol poisoning. Two of the students have been released Monday morning but one still remains in the hospital in critical condition.
Two weeks ago university president, Harvey Smithville restated the policy banning alcohol from fraternity houses on campus property or within campus environs. “Any fraternity in which the members have alcohol will be immediately suspended. A second offense within a year will result in the banning of that fraternity for five years.” Interfraternity Council president, Bart Addison says ” I am shocked that this incident occurred. I believed that everyone was adhering to the University’s policy. However, I do not believe that the entire fraternity should be held responsible for the actions of a few. I am going to ask President Smithville to reconsider his suspension of the ABZs.” No further information has been released about the punishment of the students. As a result of this event, university might increase its police controls of fraternity houses on the weekends.
1. Short journalistic paragraphs, please, not long nine-sentence paragraphs.
2. Rethink your lead. Are the deaths of random students at LSU amd MIT weeks ago more important than local events that just happened?
3. The opening of your second paragraph is very vague — you need to fold that information in more smoothly.
I think the paragraphs are a bit long and relating the two incidents would make the story a bit smoother~
mine is up now. sorry it was kind of late.